20.09.21 - i have been feeling better these past few days. this weekend was good, i went out for a bit but mainly stayed inside my house. it's quieter and less unpredictable. there was also another school shooting in russia today, doesn't seem like a kazan copycat but i'm not sure. i'm also thinking of doing an EPQ, which is basically a dissertation that converts into half an a level. you can do it on anything you want, so i will do one on videogames and their cultural impact on society. i think doing one on mass shootings would put me on a list. i also made a windows xp virtual machine and i hope to turn it into something that i can properly use, rather than just look back on. i have now realised that there is a lot more to life than a great social life, and although it is important, it isn't the worst thing in the world if i don't have one. anyway, i'm going to play gta v now or work on my virtual machine.
17.09.21 - my life has been boring lately so i'm going to ramble again. sometimes i wonder where it all went wrong for me. picture this: summer 2019, i had everything: friends that gave a shit, good family relationships (to be fair i still have that now), good times at school, 'good' mental health, a relatively good social life. i went out a ton that summer and it was great! now look at it now: autumn 2021, i don't have all that much: i have no friends apart from one person i talk to occasionally and my cousin, no real social life, i hate school because of how lonely it all feels and my mental health is down the drain! there are some positives, like my job and therapist but those are few and far between. i went from being well-liked and mildly 'popular' (yeah, hard to believe if you know me now) in 2019 to people actively avoiding me and saying they're uncomfortable around me in 2021. where did it all go wrong? even with the pandemic, i still kept in contact with the people i knew at the time and were still 'friends' with them but now they don't even acknowledge me. i'm not being ignorant by saying most of this isn't my fault. i didn't ignore someone for 2-3 months and make them feel like shit, i didn't alienate someone to the point of them feeling miserable around me, i don't send someone over to tell them i make them feel uncomfortable instead of doing it myself. for the most part, i've been pretty goddamn good to people. i'll be the first to admit i can be socially awkward but i've been getting better and developing my social skills to become less awkward and it seems that none of it is working. everyone just thinks i'm weird so they ignore me. i've gone from hanging out with friends on weekends to spending my weekends sat in my room on my computer/playing videogames. i'm like adam lanza, except i didn't choose to be a recluse (and i don't defend pedophilia)! my life is an endless cycle of 'i like this person, i'm friends with them' to 'oh they think i'm weird and left me again', and i never see it coming, every fucking time. happened with J, happened with my 'friends', happened with the goth girl, is probably going to happen with R given my luck. loneliness is a real mindfuck.
16.09.21 - i don't like people that bitch about people (especially teachers) accidently not using their correct name and pronouns. i've only thought about this much because recently, i asked my own teachers to call me by a different name. y'know most of the time they get it right, but people are people and so they get it wrong sometimes. i get that, people get shit wrong sometimes, shit happens. but when this happens to some other people then they would bitch and wail that "look at them oppressing me!" (10 points to anyone who gets that reference). i feel like this has been a somewhat tangable rant but i'm not going to drag it on any longer. overall, today has been good. i played a lot of quake when i had some free time and managed to complete half of the second episode but those goddamn shamblers keep on fucking me over! shamblers are the most annoying quake enemy, apart from the knights, although they're easier to deal with.
13.09.21 - today was pleasant. there was obviously the CulturalPhilistine stuff on reddit which was extremely exciting to look at. it excited me so much that i could barely focus on my history work but i still managed to do it. speaking of school, it was relatively uneventful with the only thing of note was spending time with the 'friend' group which made me feel miserable. feeling miserable when you are meant to be hanging out with your 'friends' is not a great feeling to have. at least i'll see R tomorrow in film. that'll be fun, or at least better than today. i also had work, which was ok as i spent most of my shift alone polishing glasses. it was peaceful even with a dishwasher (glasswasher?) in the background. i would say i somewhat prefer work to school. i have a role to fufill, i have jobs to do, i find ways to do them and i'm treated like an actual human being instead of a sentient skin suit. it's all very regimented and secure, unlike the fluidity and uncertainty of school. i get the feeling i'm rambling again so i will end it here.
12.09.21 - i should probably update this now. today i went into town for the first time in a bit. i bought an old assassins creed game for the ps3, as i'm playing a lot more of that system lately. it was one of the first consoles i played after all. i also met up with a family friend which was nice as i hadn't seen them in just over a year. probably the best thing today was buying freedom fighters for the ps2 as i have been looking for that game for nearly a year, probably since i got the ps2 which was a year ago yesterday. i get the feeling i am rambling a bit which is understandable, as i am quite tired. oh well, i guess that is it for tonight.
09.09.21 - i was right. today was better than yesterday. i spent practically no time with the 'friend' group which most likely made the day better and spent most of my time with the new guy who is called R. it's so good to finally have a conversation with someone who actually wants to talk to me, even with J and all the others it never really felt like they wanted to talk to me but this guy does. we also share being neurodivergent in common which is good as that means when i misread social cues/act socially awkward i'm not ostracized and judged about it. however, i was given a message from someone in my media class (J is friends with them) that i should not talk to them as i make them uncomfortable. i didn't even get this message from her, i got it from J. say it to my face you coward! all i've been doing is making small talk with her and doing what i've been told helps social skills but nooo i guess i'm too weird for the bitch. apart from that, i hope this good run in my life carries on, though knowing my luck i fear it won't. does no harm to hope.
08.09.21 - yesterday was great! i met some new guy in my film class and it turns out they like most of the things i'm interested in (videogames, true crime, etc) and they also asked to hang out which was pretty cool. also, when i was with my 'friend' group, they were the only one that actually acknowledged me which was suprising and nice. i also have to go watch trainspotting for film tomorrow so i'll probably write a review of that on here. today was less good. i didn't speak to the new guy much and when i was sat with my 'friends' they didn't acknowledge that i was even there, like i was invisible. eh, hopefully tomorrow will be better.
06.09.21 - my first 'proper' day at college was good. again, better than expected. i met some new people, most of which were decent. i also had to say my favourite film for a subject and people actually liked my picks! i did also say my least favourite film was scream 2, which is true, it is awful. i also bought caesar 3, which i am enjoying a lot. city sim games always make me feel nostalgic, probably because i used to play those types of games a lot when i was younger.
04.09.21 - it's midnight on the 5th but i'm going to be talking about the 4th so oh well. the first day of college wasn;t too bad. it started off shit with me sitting for about 90 minutes alone waiting for my 'friends'. at least i had my laptop so i could play gta but i couldn't go on rampages as i don't really want to be reported to the school. it got better though, got my timetable and saw people, including J. i also met 'the new guy' called K and first impressions tell me that he's annoying. very 'frog obsessed neopronoun tik tok' type and i have already stated my opinion on those types and i'm not going to do it again! today i just fucked around with GTA. nothing too special.
02.09.21 - today is my last day of freedom because tomorrow i go back to college. honestly, i'm indifferent about going back, sure i'll get to do the subjects i want and wear what i want but i'll also see people that i don't like. eh, shit happens. i've spent most of the day playing portal and getting the achievements. it only took me about 3 hours with my first playthrough and now i'm doing a second with achievements in mind. i also played some postal which meant i've been playing it for 40 hours overall. some people probably play it for more, but i think 40 hours is still impressive.
31.08.21 - i have spent more time talking to the goth girl, who i will now refer to as 'I'. i told her that i like to listen to the taxi driver soundtrack and she showed me some death/doom metal songs which were alright. apart from that, not much has happened today. i'm going back to college on friday as well, it's only for a COVID test and a possibly assembly but hey, at least i get to leave by 2pm rather than 3pm. i also went to a barbecue yesterday where i played table tennis and monopoly, which i did lose. i think it's the only monopoly game i've ever played in which someone has actually won. but today, counterstrike and postal 2 have taken up most of my time.
29.08.21 - i have spent all day in my room either playing gta or watching youtube. really does sum up my life. i also got pissed over one of my "friends" posting something like "fuck a breakup have you ever found out your friends made a secret groupchat without you" when they did the exact same thing to me. what a hypocrite! speaking of my "friends", i'll be seeing them on friday as college starts up for me then. i'll also be seeing J which i'm 50% dreading and 50% looking forward to. i wonder if he'll avoid me or not. worst case scenario i'll become a complete outcast and spend my days playing GTA V at lunches. it's not like that's different from what i do normally.
27.08.21 - sorry for my sporadic updates, work stuff has been taking up most of my time, though i do have a lot of things to talk about in my 3 days of abscence. my laptop arrived and this is the first update on this i am doing on it. it can run GTA V at an impressive framerate but i have not yet installed postal 2 (a travesty i know) so i can't say how well that runs. i have also recovered from my weird vaccination side effects and my arm doesn't hurt much anymore. as i said before, work has been taking much of my time. people at work are nice, they seem to like and get on with me, which is a rare ocurrence for people i've only met 3 times. i wouldn't say i enjoy work, i don't think anyone does, but it's not like i'm travelling across the river styx to get there, it's not awful. anyway, that's all for me and i (hopefully) should be updating more frequently from now on but i can't say for sure.
24.08.21 - today, i have felt the worst i have this year. i had my COVID vaccine yesterday and jeez i feel like shit today because of it. my arm hurts like a bitch and i feel like i've been hit with a tonne of bricks. the nurses at the vaccination centre told me that i would feel like shit so i'm not too worried, i just hope it goes away tomorrow! in happier news, i bought a new laptop today and i'm very excited for it to arrive. i'm not going to go into detail about all the specs as i hate people that do that and i'm not a hypocrite but i will say it will be the best computer i've ever owned/used. i'm probably going to go to sleep after i write this so this is a shorter entry than usual.
22.08.21 - as usual, not much has been going on with me lately. i bought elder scrolls: oblivion yesterday and have played it for 9.5 hours so far. as i've mentioned before on my profile, i'm finding it extremely fun as it's an open world game (which i like) but is also an rpg which is not really my style but it isn't turn-based so i like that about it. i hope that i will play oblivion as much as i do gta v, although then i'd just withdraw myself even more than i already do. i do think that's a problem of mine, that i withdraw and seclude myself from other people. i do it on purpose as i have tried to interact with people 'normally' but that has usually backfired on me or gone terribly. not to bring up another mass shooter but it's like that jeff weise quote: "always expecting change when i know nothing ever changes". i try to talk to people but they either aren't interested or i am too awkward and it gets embarrassing, but i do it over and over again! it's a vicious cycle which i can't get out of. huh, this took a turn. at least i've put something down here.
14.08.21 - i am currently in the middle of nowhere by a river, what a nice place to spend a week at. i am also editing this on my phone so if there are any mistakes, that's why. the drive down here wasn't too bad, though waking up at 5am was a pain. stopped off in some places though where i saw about 5 emos/goths/scene kids. you just have to look out for the my chemical romance tshirt and black hair to spot one, although with the goths it's usually cannibal corpse instead. i also had a very nice meal even though some woman who looked like a pelican stared at me every time i sneezed. it's not corona! it's fuckin' hayfever! anyway, that's all i've got for now, i doubt i'll be updating regularly as i am on holiday but will update when i can (or when i want to).
12.08.21 - my results went better than expected. my local news did a big thing on results from different schools and one of my good friends got featured in it. she did really well and she's nice as well. other than that, i went to another town near me and bought some gamecube and ps2 stuff. gamecube shit is really expensive but ps2 shit is pretty cheap, probably because the ps2 was so popular and had so much sold for it. also got a haircut, i look real nice. the only things that brought my day down a bit was that una stubbs died and that there was a shooting in plymouth. at least shootings don't happen much in the uk, unlike america.
11.08.21 - i spent most of my day at work and so haven't done anything too interesting except serve customers and fold napkins. i have folded..so..many..napkins. it was my first shift and the atmosphere reminded me of being in one of my old drum groups a few years ago. also, 3 people i know work in the same place so that'll be great. in less than 12 hours i will be getting my results and i hope i do well. i just dread the shitstorm of 'omg i got 12 a*s' or 'omg i'm so sad i failed half my subjects', both are extremes but you get the idea. after i got home from work i watched some beavis and butthead and was going to watch 1984 but realised i could just do that tomorrow afternoon. to round off the evening, i'm going to play some postal 2 sandbox. it's just like postal, only with infinite ammo!
10.08.21 - well, clay pigeon shooting was fun as fuck. i managed to hit 9/25 targets, which is pretty good for a first try. it was weird shooting the shotgun for the first time, as i thought it would have more of an explosion rather than just a normal shot. it didn't have much kickback, or at least the gun i used didn't have much. honestly, i would go tomorrow if i could but unfortunately i have work tomorrow! shit sucks huh, at least i'm getting paid. the range owners were really nice and let me keep an unbroken clay and an empty shotgun shell, to celebrate me getting the most hits. i will definitley be going again in the near future. if that wasn't good enough, i posted about shooting on instagram and she liked it. didn't know she liked guns. results are also coming through in a couple days, not really sure how to feel about that. my life seems to be looking up, though i bet as soon as i say that some terrible event will happen that ultimately stops that.
08.08.21 - i got back from my break a few hours ago. it was nice just to get away for a few days, even if the place i went wasn't very notable. i went to see some people, one of which had two small children, younger than me by 6-10 years. they were perfectly nice, but after a couple days small children start to get annoying because they are so loud. apart from that nothing really stands out, apart from an antiques shop that sold axes and knives. that was pretty funny actually. me and my dad also had a conversation about dunblane for some reason and agreed that the guy who did it was a nonce loser, much like michael ryan, except he was just a loser. i have also decided that the taxi driver soundtrack is my favourite movie soundtrack and that's not just because i listen to it a lot while i'm updating this, it is truly good music. on top of that, i haven't slept well for the last few days because staying in a shitty hotel fucks up your sleep patterns, especially with your parents snoring in the next room over. not like i had any sleep patterns to begin with, my routine usually consists of updating this, playing doom/postal/gta v then reading then not sleeping then sleeping until midday. at least some notable things are happening this week (clay pigeon shooting/exam results) so that brings some difference to my life. how exciting.
04.08.21 - it is almost a week until i get my results. i went into town again, but this time it was actually worthwhile. i bought a couple games and walked around for a bit. y'know that tony hawk pro skater 3 is a 16? yeah me neither until i tried to buy it and the guy asked for id. i also took a weird route home so that i wouldn't see anyone i know, which failed as i did see someone (they're a friend so it was fine). i honestly haven't done much this past couple days but thought to put something here as i'll be away for the next few days and won't be able to update this. i'm going to watch a movie after i finish this so hopefully i should put up an entry on my films page but if i don't then this'll be my last update for a few days.
02.08.21 - i finished wiseguy last night. it was a very good book even if i only read it because it inspired goodfellas. i'm not sure what i'll read next, as i bought a couple more books. misery by steven king and american sniper by chris kyle. both of these inspired films but i think i'll go with misery first as it's shorter (i think). i've also taken on the task of putting old gba games on my 3DS via homebrew. some of the games are suprisingly good, namely metal slug advance and jetset radio advance. instead of just putting loads of old games on my 3DS like what i did with the gameboy/gbc/nes virtual console games, i'm actually picking out stuff that i would like to play rather than just to have. i do that anyway with other games i collect but it's a new thing with my 3DS virtual console games. i also spent most of the day after my orientation day listening to system of a down then combichrist. very good bands.
01.08.21 - my life has been uninteresting, but i'm going to talk about it anyway. my last entry was written before i watched some youtube and found out about what chris chan did. i'm not going to explain it as i genuinely don't want to, but if you know, you know. it's interesting seeing it unfold over time, though of course some are more interested in "omg don't misgender her nooo" than the fact that chris assaulted his own mother. also didn't chris transition solely to get with lesbians? i'm not much into the lore, so correct me if i'm wrong there. anyway, i have been suprisingly productive today. i uploaded a new Youtube video, catalouged more of my games and found out that one of my old friends is now a Minecraft streamer. i found that out yesterday but still. i have also cycled 37 miles this week, which is good as normally i would have cycled 0. i've getting more involved with sports recently, mainly cycling but i am going to go shooting in the next week or so. it's clay pigeon shooting, which should be really fun. anyway, i'm going to go back to playing old gameboy advance games on my 3DS.
30.07.21 - i am once again wallowing in self pity. i haven't seen anyone in just under 2 weeks. i go out, but i don't see anyone. one time i went somewhere and kept on thinking i saw someone i knew, but it wasn't them. happened about 5 times as well. it's like i'm in isolation, except i'm not because the lockdown has been lifted where i live. i should go out more, but i don't want to waste my time. at least i'm going away on thursday for a couple days. that'll be a good break but until then what am i going to do? carry on doing what i'm doing, wasting away? no! i should be living the teenage experience, y'know the one people tell you will be so great. i would hang out with J but as he is ignoring me, that is not a possibility. i don't even know why he's doing it, though i did think that he found this site and me calling him a prick and saying he should rot in his own shit. he doesn't know the url anyway, so i doubt he could find this. maybe it's seeing other people living life that makes me feel like shit. probably is. anyway, i'm going to watch pro postal for the billionth time.
28.07.21 - something is finally happening with my job. i hadn't heard anything from them in about 3 weeks but then today they asked if they could schedule something for next monday so looks like i'm going over there on monday. i also bought a book about jack the ripper which i hope to read after wiseguy. i have not thought about J for about 3 days now, and i am a lot happier because of it. that shit was weighing me down, but now it isn't because i've stopped thinking about it. on the topic of games, i played some papers,please for about half an hour, just to get to the 3rd/4th day. i almost completed it once, but fucked up and was fired. i should really start playing fallout new vegas again, i think i'd enjoy it but i just don't have the time to with my busy schedule of play gta, watch youtube, cycle and update this. i'm a busy man! it's the same with multiplayer games i own like cs:go and tf2. i think i'd like them if i played them more but i don't have the time (or energy) to play so much to get the good weapons. tomorrow i might play some tf2 because cs:go doesn't run on my pc well at all.
26.07.21 - things have been better today. i went on a 14km bike ride which was suprisingly fun, even if i did have to walk up a few hills instead of cycle. i also went into town just to leave my house. there was really no point in going but it was sunny and i hadn't left the house in 4 days (3 due to isolation but whatever). another thing is, i have been reading a couple of books. now, if anyone i know in real life reads this (which they won't) they will know that i often don't read, not because i'm ignorant and don't want to, but because i end up reading the same page 15 times then give up. the books i have been reading are 'wiseguy' by nicholas pileggi, 'it' by steven king and 'scorsese on scorsese' by martin scorsese. 'wiseguy' was the book that inspired goodfellas, 'it' inspired a couple films, all of which i haven't seen and 'scorsese on scorsese' is basically just about scorsese's films up to goodfellas (the book was published in 1990). all in all, pretty good!
25.07.21 - i have now realised that i have to find a new hobbie otherwise i will just carry on living my life like i am now. my dad says i need to be more athletic or find a sport i enjoy. i haven't really played proper sport since 2016, but have found a few things that peak my interest. maybe i should make another doom map, although i really should be working on more advanced map editors for postal 2 or gmod. i just need to find something to distract me from everything. it's also less than 4 weeks until i get my results back, and i'm debating whether to get my results in person, or look at them online. i'm more drawn to online, as i don't want to see people i don't want to see. taxi driver is slowly becoming the film i have watched most, apart from natural born killers. i have seen it twice this month alone, which makes me seem even more sad than i really am. speaking of natural born killers, i might as well watch it again after i update this.
24.07.21 - i get out of isolation in roughly an hour and a half. 23:59 today. by that time i will probably be playing GTA SA or be asleep. i didn't sleep well last night and eventually started playing postal 2 at 3am. as usual, my 'friends' are pissing me off. i shouldn't really call them my friends as i don't view them as friends but i don't know what else to call them. i was talking about what films i'd watched today, sending them trailers and whatnot, then M out of nowhere says "cool i got depression today", making it all about herself once again. i don't give a fuck that you got depression today, i get it too, no need to brag! the others all rushed to show their sympathy for M, of course. they show such disinterest in my interests and make it about themselves when i do talk about them. selfish pricks. last night, i also realised that in hindsight, i should have chosen to go to a college instead of sixth form. at least if i went to a college i could start over and never have to talk to those fucks ever again but as i'm going to sixth form, i will have to see them every single day. i can just imagine it come september, sitting alone on my laptop while other people socialise. i have no friends there, at least ones that would willingly let me hang out with them. i should have fucked off somewhere other than where i am but i can't change it now so i guess i'm stuck in a state of dissatisfaction.
23.07.21 - today is my 2nd day of isolation. yesterday, i got a notification from the nhs covid app that i had to quarantine for 3 days because i'd "come into contact with someone who has covid". i think it's a mistake, as i haven't really been anywhere for the past week except the barbecue, and no-one from the barbecue has to isolate either. i'm still isolating though, seems the right thing to do just in case it's not a mistake. i had a pretty pleasant morning, got up at 9-ish, watched tv while eating cold pizza and a orange ice-cream for breakfast, played gmod for 4 hours then had a burger king, watched more tv and now i'm here! i expect mostly the same tomorrow, though i may update my mass murder pinterest board as well, it's growing quite nicely.
21.07.21 - i've been up to nothing, as usual. i was meant to meet up with the goth girl today but she never got back to me on that. typical. the group i hang out with hates me, my supposed best friend isn't talking to me, the job i went to for an interview hasn't responded to me for 3 weeks, my life is going great. i want to fix it, i'm usually able to fix it but the shit with my 'friends' i can't fix because i don't think they ever truly liked me. the shit with J i think i can fix but i have to wait until he actually talks to me. i don't think he's angry with me, though i'm not completely sure. i've been playing a lot more 3DS, well DS games on a 3DS. i downloaded a synthesizer onto it and have been playing around with that the past couple nights, as well as playing rhythm haven and a gameboy advance pacman collection (it is great). also been playing GTA 4 though rage quit due to a chase mission. chase missions are the worst!
17.07.21 - i've now been trying to reach an even keel with J to no success. nothing too off from usual really with him. i've been talking to other people though, that being the goth girl and suprisingly, two of my cousins. they're perfectly nice people, probably the two i get along with the most well out of my cousins and it's nice to speak with them after about 2 years. i was also invited to a barbecue a couple days ago, although it's tomorrow. seems pretty exciting, although in the back of my mind i'm bracing myself for it to be cancelled. it happens to me too many times for me to not think about.
14.07.21 - my 'friends' are really starting to get on my nerves. especially V and K. they have resorted to trying to provoke me to get angry at them. i am very close to telling them both that they are unfunny idiots but then i'll be giving them what they want and i don't want to do that. they treat me like shit, all of them. V, K, M, J, A all of them! i try to talk to them about my interests and they don't show a remote interest but when its their interests i have to listen to them go on and on and on about them. they treat me like a retard as well, which pisses me off because i'm not! i may not understand every single thing they say or do but that doesn't mean i'm retarded! i was talking about 90s fps games (i know a lot about them) and K sent this thing "6 tips to know when your life is over". what was that meant to mean? what, that i should accept that my life is over because i enjoy 90s fps games? they are cruel and horrible people. end of story.
13.07.21 - a lot of things have been going wrong for me recently. i asked the goth girl out, she said sure, then last minute cancelled on me. that's shit. V, K and M were sending jokes to our groupchat which i didn't understand. V then sent some bad music and i said it was bad and they got annoyed with me. they then made another joke i didn't understand (probably to make fun of me) and sent me more music, better but repetitive. i don't understand them or their jokes as they never say anything clearly, it always has to be said in some shitty joke format. it's like everyone else being in on a joke, and you aren't. they never explain the jokes to me either, only rinse and repeat what they are already doing. it's frustrating but all i need to do is get through these next two years of sixth form then i can leave and never speak to them again. what a great time that'll be. i can delete all my social media accounts and start afresh somewhere new. what a great reality that would be.
11.07.21 - nothing really interesting has happened in my life lately. i don't have much motivation to do anything, and it's not because i'm depressed, it's just because i don't have much motivation. J still hasn't texted me back, what can i expect of him honestly, he is a prick and i do hate him after all. i have asked the goth girl to hang out at some point this week. i have also come to the conclusion that time just repeats itself over and over again. y'know why? well a couple of years ago i had this friend called R and she was real nice and shit then she started hanging out with this other group, and over about 4-5 months it became 'oh she's not friends with me anymore she's with these people', but why is this relevant? well the same exact shit happened with J. history really does repeat itself. you ever heard of that quote "those who can't remember the past are doomed to repeat it?" i feel like that's happening with me, except i do remember the past so why am i doomed to repeat it? “Days Go On And On. They Don’t End.”, yet another quote from Taxi Driver that resonates with me. the days just drag on, the same as ever, and never end. time always passes and there's nothing i can do about it.
08.07.21 - i saw my therapist yesterday and told them about the whole J being jealous at me over getting therapy. i still haven't spoken to J in nearly two weeks. he's being a real prick lately. not even lately, for over a year now and over what? me getting diagnosed with adhd and autism? what a sad little shithead. i'll just leave him to wallow in some kind of self pity depression shit because he deserves it. anyway, i have also decided that for now i'm not going to talk to my 'friends' (especially A and K) because otherwise i'll just snap at them and say things i'll say i regret but don't really. also V got angry at me because i didn't know what some dumb animated show they liked was called (it's some shit with talking objects, i watched one episode and concluded that it was braindead). i'm also going to ask the goth girl whether she wants to hang out in the next couple of days. it should go well, though knowing me, it won't.
06.07.21 - from now on, i'm going to be referring to people i know by the first letter of their names so it doesn't get confusing. anyway, going into town with A was a mistake. it was the first (and probably last) time i will hang out with them. K was meant to come but she 'forgot'. real convinient. with A, we went into a couple of shops then after half an hour they said "my brother is playing my ps4 so i should get home so he doesn't destroy it". what a jack shit reason! it would have been more fun if i'd gone into town by myself because at least i wouldn't feel depressed after doing it! i have also been talking to the goth girl about horror films, videogames and the person who will replace me in my friendgroup in september which i guess was the highlight of my day. i'd never actually seen the guys face, and now i regret that i have. imagine a stereotypical femboy. just picture that in your mind, and the image of this guy should present itself to you. i laughed after i saw the guy because it was almost like a caricature. every stereotype rolled into one person. i never thought it was possible!
04.07.21 - i let it slip that i use 4chan to ***. that wasn't the greatest thing i could have ever done. this is the same person that thinks anyone that doesn't agree with them is a nazi so.....anyway, england is now in the semi finals of the euros and y'know what that means? more of 'it's coming home!'. if england do win the euros, i'll sing it, but if they lose, i will not. anhway, with ***, i think i have now cemented my status of being replaced by some other guy i've never met in september. ah well, that group always was a group of hive mind freaks. sure, it'll be annoying to be replaced but at the end of the day, it's for the best.
02.07.21 - i'm writing this after midnight so technically it's the 3rd but oh well. i got the job i was hoping for, which was probably the best thing to come out of the day. also did the usual routine of getting a burger king but this time, i watched the football while eating it. it was belgium vs italy and italy won, which was good as i wanted them to win. there's a big thing about the euros in the uk, even though every time the uk gets to the last 16/quarter finals then fail miserably. i can't wait until the euros are over just so people will stop chanting "it's coming home!". it's not, shut up.
29.06.21 - **** can rot in his own shit. y'know what happened today, y'know what fuckin happened? so i went onto instagram to talk to the goth girl and saw that that fucker was hanging out with the retards. the goddamn retards! that spineless, idiotic fuckhead can somehow find time to hang out with the retards but not even text me back? i don't even care that i'm insulting him, that fucker deserves it for all of the shit he's done over this past year. y'know what's also weird? i fuckin dreamt about this shit last night! i think i insulted the retards and he got pissed but still, it was to do with the retards and him. it's bullshit! it's all bullshit! he leaves me to sit in my house as some kind of hermit motherfucker while he goes and swans off with the retards! fuck you, **** if you ever read this, fuck you man.
27.06.21 - the job interview went well. there's not much else to say about it really. **** actually texted me after i got back from the interview and asked how it was. i did talk to him for a bit but then said i was busy and stopped texting him. the goth girl is also giving me more film recommendations. she also recommended me a show called 'MTV Downtown'. it fits into that late 90s/early 00s cartoon shit, like daria. i have only seen one episode and i will probably watch another. not much has really happened today, huh.
26.06.21 - well i think i've realised the full thing about ****. he was (or is) jealous that i managed to do what he couldn't. i got therapy and some diagnoses while he remains in a sad pit of existence where he complains about no-one helping him but never asks for help. i got better, he didn't, and that is why i think he has been jealous of me for the past couple of years. that or he jacks off to people venting to him and is so sad that i don't do that anymore. i have also found out that one of my 'friends' is one of those glitchcore furry bitches. the only thing they need now are a weird obsession with frogs and they're set! i'm going to that job interview tomorrow. my first one ever. i hope i get this job because if i don't, i'm not really sure where i'll apply next. i have also moved the ps3 up to my room and have spent the majority of the evening playing portal 2. i've never actually completed it which is funny because i remember first playing it when i was 7 and my dad was showing me all the different shit in the game. i don't think 7 year old me really understood the concept of portals but i liked it anyway.
23.06.21 - oh boy, where to start. i finally found out why **** has been being a dick lately. something about resenting me for a couple years over getting therapy? i'm still not completely sure. also been working on my doom map. it's taking forever but it should be great! anyway, back on the topic of ****. he has been ghosting me for abot 4 days now but finally texted me this morning and went into this big thing about how he resented me for 3 years because i got therapy and he didn't? that's all i could really get from it really. makes me think whether the halloween incident was on purpose or not. didn't even get a proper apology! just a 'give me time please'. dude, you're in the wrong here! i'm not the one resenting someone for getting therapy! you are! he really confuses me sometimes. i think it is all cool though, no insults were exchanged and it didn't end angrily. i also got a job interview at the place that i sent the application back to! i found this out while i was writing this entry so that's why it's at the end. it's on sunday so i definitely have enough time to prepare. well, today has been eventful.
20.06.21 - i have been working on my doom map for about 3 days now and it still isn't finished. it is probably the most detailed i have ever made a map, and it has the most stuff in. new enemies, new weapons, new textures, new sounds, EVERYTHING! it even has a duke nukem and starship troopers twist! so far, i have made the map itself but still need to add all the other shit, like enemies, health and of course, ammo. that has taken up most of my time over the past few days but some other things have happened. i have finally realized how different me and my 'friends' are and even though they pretend to like me, i can see that they don't. well, it looks like i'm hanging out with the retards for the next couple of years. lets hope i don't go insane! also prom got cancelled which i didn't really care about. sure i bought some shit for it but it wasn't like i was looking forward to it. instead of prom, **** is going to come round mine and we're gonna watch some movies. i hope he doesn't cancel on me or bring one of the retards along out of pity. i think i'd rather shoot myself in the leg then dig the bullet out with my teeth than watch NBK or starship troopers with one of them. i showed the goth girl my doom map and she seemed actually interested. she also told me to watch the craft and thirteen, both of which i've heard of but never seen. i know i'm watching demolition man tomorrow or tuesday so i guess those ones will have to wait.
17.06.21 - good news on the job front. i emailed a place and they sent me some application form to send back to them! it's better than a staright up 'no'. lunch today sucked. luckily i had this old laptop that i could play doom on, but i had to work out who to hang out with and that bit was the worst. it was like a twisted game of would you rather where the choices were 'the people that don't really like me but are really my only friends' and 'the retards who scream hamilton lyrics and haven't mentally progressed since 2016'. i was at an ultimatum but decided on the retards. why? because i wanted to talk to **** about something and he hangs out with them. speaking with **** did have its consequences as he told me that his ENTIRE drama class started singing hamilton (r/thathappened mate). i have carried on talking with the goth girl even though i found out she's dating someone, because we share a lot in common and that is always good. she also 'admires my music taste' which is a very cool compliment to recieve, especially from a death metal type goth girl. i have also found out in the last couple days she watches daria AND likes atari teenage riot. the bit about daria is funny as i watch beavis and butthead.
15.06.21 - i was watching this deftones video and remembered that i watched it before on the kerrang music video channel. i remember watching the shit out of that a couple years back when they used to have five hour slots of 90s or 00s rock videos then two hour slots for 'modern alternative' which was just some shitty band or singer like yungblud. anyway, i have to do this presentation on someone who 'inspires me' for a class on thursday. i'm torn between doing kurt cobain or our overlord and saviour trent reznor. i'll probably do cobain as not many people know about reznor apart from my film and media studies teacher.
11.06.21 - i've been uploading more videos to bitview over the past couple days. mainly music and gaming videos, stuff that i like. anyway, i have still been talking to that girl, it is going well. unfortunately, i'm probably not gonna be able to say as much as i want here because my internet is weird and i don't know when it will fuck up and shut off, i will try and say some shit though. i'm thinking of buying half life 2, seems like a solid game. i am also doing my 7th or 8th longplay of doom 2. i am currently up to downtown. it is hell.
08.06.21 - i have now had two days in the sixth form induction thing. they haven't been too bad. i've had lessons for all of my subjects and y'know they haven't been awful. i at least know people in all my classes, whether i like them is a different matter altogether. in all of my classes i'm stuck with a bitch who i really don't like, as well as in my tutor! to be fair to her i don't have a definitive reason to dislike her, i just do because she's annoying. today was pointless though because i only had one media class in the afternoon, so for the morning i sat with a friend and watched 'The Nun'. shit film. at least i have a couple good people in my tutor including her which is decent.
05.06.21 - last night i fell asleep at 2am, woke up at 5am then slept for 7 hours more until 12pm. great sleep schedule there. a couple updates on that girl i was talking to as well. we've been talking throughout the day, as people do, but here's the difference. with most people i talk to, it's about school or some shit but with her we talk about shit that actually interests me, like films, music and videogames. i have also found out she likes rammstein, which is very cool and plays GTA V! another positive is that she said that she likes talking to me. i think that this could evolve into something, unlike what i had with her. i honestly don't have anything else to put here so i guess this is it.
04.06.21 - well, i didn't get that job i applied for. not too disappointed because they said they'd keep my CV in the running for a job. anyway, i posted on my instagram story something about KMFDM and some girl (i think she was one of the goth girls i met after graduation) responded recommending me some band, pitchshifter. i've heard of them but never checked them out until she recommended them to me. they're good, not much else to say. she then sent me her spotify profile, and after scouring it so that there wasn't any true crime shit on there, i sent mine back but OF COURSE my username had to be my deadname. c'mon, i'm talking to a girl and my deadname has to come up, great one there universe. she didn't give a shit which is good but she thinks i have good music taste which is pretty cool. ha dylan, i did what you couldn't, i found a girl that likes techno! suck it klebold! fortunately she takes media so we could be in the same class AND she asked me if i play GTA so we've got some positives here. we are also somewhat mutual friends through ***** and i also know the people that she is friends with. it's good to know that i'm not inept that talking with girls. anyway, i met up with **** yesterday and bought that matrix boxset and let me tell you, it was hard getting it! so first i went into CEX, got the set, went to the counter BUT the cashier said that i had to prove i was 16 so i went back home, got my passport, went back to CEX then my fuckin card didn't work so i had to go to an ATM to get £10 to buy the damn thing then finally i got it! all that, just to watch the matrix reloaded. man, it's hard fuckin work spending money! i also showed **** some columbine memes and he found them funny. even asked me to send them to him! true friendship is when your friend asks you to send you columbine memes.
02.06.21 - a heatwave has hit the uk, and i hate it. it's too hot at night and too hot in the day, which sucks big time. at least i'm seeing **** tomorrow..it was originally planned for sunday but something came up so it was moved to tomorrow. i'm not complaining! i have also seen that pride month is now in full swing, which i have mixed feelings about, mainly due to the amount of corporate shit that companies are now throwing at lgbt people because "JUNE IS PRIDE MONTH OMG KDHGISHSGIOHS". i can just imagine in every company there is a calendar with a red circle right over the month of june. managed to buy some new clothes for prom yesterday which was pretty cool. bought a couple shirts, a pair of shoes and a shirt. good score if you ask me. binge listened to sister machine gun while playing gta as well. fuck i love that band. my dad keeps hinting at me to listen to dark side of the moon. i like that song 'money' so i'm not against listening to it, i'd just rather not him telling me to listen to it EVERY DAY! maybe i should strike up a deal, i listen to dark side of the moon and he listens to XTORT. i should definitely try that one.
31.05.21 - applied for a job earlier today. feeling pretty confident but i don't expect to get it. you never get the first job you apply for. i'm going out tomorrow to buy clothes for sixth form. also i heard that dream cheated in his speedrun. well, i knew it! slimy fuck! i played too much gta v today but managed to get some good clips of the various rampages i went on. the minigun in gta is really a great weapon. it's fast, high powered, good range and you've never got to reload. genius! can't really talk about much except from the fact i spent a couple hours writing a cv, played ps4 and am now writing here. huh.
30.05.21 - gonna apply for a job tomorrow. really need to get one y'know. for the summer at least. loads of people i know have them, even the fat kid that was in my english class. let me tell you, it was real suprising when i found out he worked at sports direct. also went into town again. i've been going out a lot more lately. went out on thursday, went out today. earlier in the year i wouldn't leave the house for 2/3 weeks at a time though i was pretty depressed and there was a national lockdown so i think that can be excused. haven't spoken to my 'friends' in a while. they have a groupchat but i muted it a few weeks ago because i don't care what shitty thing *** has to say on it. truly, after a while it just gets boring. i should try and meet up with **** at some point but i'm not sure when he's working. would be nice to meet up before the two week sixth form thing.
29.05.21 - just found another dumb sol pais clone on neocities. they are a cancer to this place. honestly, just because that bitch had a website doesn't mean you have to have one! it's the same with eric harris clones here. remember sickgirl? she follows me here i'm pretty sure...that video of her website was fuckin funny. can't lie! i remember watching it and going straight to the wayback machine to find any archives. it's been over a year since that. time really does fly. anyway, did the usual of fuck all today except i know in a couple of days i'm going out to get a tuxedo. exciting, right? gotta look good for prom so i don't look like a complete shithead. some girls i know have already bought dresses. being a girl going to prom seems fuckin annoying. you have to get the dress, the shoes, the makeup and on top of that you've got to make sure everything matches or some shit. with guys you get a tux and shoes, boom, you're set. anyway, i'm gonna go now and edit something else here.
28.05.21 - i have done fuck all today, as expected. i played the sims 4 for quite a while, even though i've barely played it since 2017/18. also woke up to about 12 people liking my instagram post including her. that was pretty cool to find out. i also started to listen to phonk music. i like a couple songs but overall, it's shit. still not as bad as that hyperpop 100 gecs ear rape shit. *** really enjoys that shit and i can't see why. usually i see referring to music as 'just noise' as being retarded but in this case it works. listen to one hyperpop song and tell me it has anything in it that isn't just noise. listening to Sagath now as i'm writing this. watched that JCS criminal psychology video on nik cruz and his pretend insanity. cruz is pathetic and he looks like a disfigured human rat. still haven't printed out some film posters yet..will hopefully do that tomorrow.
27.05.21 - holy shit i have a lot to talk about. so, graduation happened, and it was just like i expected, some teachers going on in an assembly about "we wish you luck" and how "year 11 has been so hard and we're so proud of you". could have been worse. they did show both my year 7 and year 9 photo. i may hate my year 7 photo but i hate my year 9 one more. it was taken 2 days before i got my hair cut short and it was in that horrible stage of being not long enough nor short enough to look good. at least everyone got embarrassed with those photos though, not just me. after graduation me and my 'friends' went to ****s house to order mcdonalds. i also drank a can of monster for the first time (it was the pink one because i was told that it was good) and liked it. we went into town and *** and ****** went into every charity or 'thrift' shop there was to look for clothes. i tagged along just to see if there were any good films to buy and there were! we all then met up with a group of 'goth' girls at a skatepark and did the same as we did before, just with them. they were pretty cool, i know a couple of them listen to death metal so that's alright. they fucked off soon after. i left to go home at about 4, because i was bored and plus my 'friends' (minus ****) had an arrangement to get sushi at some place and meet up with the person who will be replacing me in the friend group and as much as i would like to get sushi, i wasn't invited and am having some tomorrow night! also posted a picture of myself on instagram for the first time in about 4 years with **** for 'goodbye year 11' sake. ah well, i didn't look shit in that photo and it had a KMFDM reference.
26.05.21 - woohoo, left school today! got about 26 people to sign my shirt, **** drew a fuckin dragon on my shoulder. pretty decent. graduation tomorrow, it won't be too bad. at least now i can relax and do fuck all for a couple months. gonna go out with my 'friends' tomorrow, got the burning event soon, shit is good! at least i never have to take science again. for once, i feel bad for americans because they have to take maths and science until they leave high school, not when they finish GCSEs. also had some mock job interview today which went well. the woman interviewing me said i looked professional and mature, which both seem like good things to be in the eyes of an employer. had an assembly as well where they showed my year 7 photo. god i looked awful there. i was sat next to her and we both were horrified at how shit we looked. i hope i get to see her at graduation tomorrow, that would be cool. i went back through my email and found my welcome email from when i joined youtube 5/6 years ago. i have been active on youtube since 2011/12 (honestly, i miss the old ui) but was only allowed an account in 2015. i remember what i used to watch back then. mainly minecraft and the occasional cod video my cousin would send me. i was 6, i didn't really care. but in 2016 i switched to that leafy commentary shit but never really even watched leafy, more watched memeulous, willne, pyro and idubbbz. now i just watch any shit that i think looks good.
24.05.21 - at least i can say i've done some shit today. i had my final science test today and have finally finished GCSEs! also went over to ****s house but some bitch who i don't like was there so i had to pretend to be nice to them. i hate when i have to do that. found out that some other bitch i hate does the exact same subjects as me and is in all my classes for the sixth form induction! just my luck! if there is a god he is sure fuckin me over right now! it's the school photo tomorrow which i guess isn't too bad because i look half decent for it. i've updated this site quite a bit today so i'm gonna fuck off and go play return to castle wolfenstein for an hour or so.
23.05.21 - graduation in 4 days. i haven't really done anything today apart from watch a film and eat cold pizza. the pizza was good though even if the cheese was too congealed. i already know what things i'm going to burn at the fire event later this week. gonna bring my camera so the burning of my tie is immortalized in film. i have been playing some guitar today as well, learnt the bass part for little green bag. i really should play my guitar more often, i like playing it but just can't be bothered sometimes. weird that next year i'll have been playing it for 10 years. 10 years?! and i'm still shit! ha! funny how i stuck at it for so long. i quit singing, quit dancing (worst decision to start dance in the first place), quit football (that died as soon as i went to year 7) but somehow guitar and drums i've stuck at. probably because i was told i had natural talent at age 7 and so stuck with it. bit of a tangent there, but onto another thing. at least i get to talk to **** about a couple films i've seen, or about some other shit. we were talking about what was better, two assault rifles or a sawed-off on friday. we agreed a sawed-off was more powerful but the assault rifles could do more damage. i also showed him some shit from a certain guy called jack, who i know some here are aware of. he just laughed at the guy. anyway, i'm going to stop writing and go listen to nirvana.
22.05.21 - i bought a tarantino film boxset today. had reservoir dogs, kill bill 1 & 2, pulp fiction and jackie brown. pretty good selection. also watched eurovision. i don't really like those type of shows but i watched it. the uk got no votes, as expected but italy won which was ok as i actually liked the song they played. i found out i am in ***s media studies class for the two week induction thing. hopefully it won't be too bad even though they are the most annoying one in that group. they say they have tics but in reality they just make noises because they think it's funny. it's not, what it is is real annoying! i'm going to print out some film and music posters later to put them on my wall. i also realised that i will most likely be replaced in my 'friend' group in september as someone *** knows is coming to sixth form which i don't mind. it'll be a great excuse for me to get out of that group plus that new guy is just as annoying as *** so they'll be fine without me. they are barely aware of me anyway so there won't be much of a change. i have a feeling school photos are on tuesday. i may do the kubrick stare but i doubt i'll be allowed. funny if i do though. ha!
21.05.21 - oh hey look it isn't 11pm! i've been listening to the new waterparks album, which isn't really typical of me but i've been listening to them since 2016/17 so i thought i may as well check out their latest album, which is very catchy. in other news, i am feeling pretty good today, probably because it's hit me that i'm leaving school in less than a week. also i had a conversation with some other people i know which was so much better than spending time with my 'friends'. i had to pretend to be real woke though which was the only irritating thing. i should have said that i don't find people saying retard offensive and see how that would have gone down. they would probably be angry until i said that i was an autist myself then they would be fine. i also talked with her about the most toxic fanbase. i said dream stans because of the annoying 12 year olds, she said nirvanas fanbase because of the gatekeeping. yeah pretty good day. i'm gonna fuck off now.
20.05.21 - it is now a regular occurrence that i update this page at 11pm. suppose it's easy to talk about my day then. sometimes i think about how i come across from this website and from these entries. for the most part, i act in these entries like i do in real life, except a bit more awkward because the way i speak is a bit weird, or at least i think it's weird. i also hope that people understand what i mean in these entries when i tell jokes or use sarcasm or irony even though my sense of humour is skewed. i will probably upload some postal 2 footage to my youtube channel tomorrow, as it's friday and i have time to do so. i just need to work out what i'll upload. maybe finding the WMD or something else, i'll work it out soon enough. i don't know whether i've mentioned that i've got a camcorder, but i do and earlier i was going through it and found a fuck ton of videos from my childhood (mainly from 2008-2010) which were quite entertaining. fuck i had a squeaky voice, but then again i was 4 so that can be excused. anyway, i'm going to go off now and post on some forum or look around kiwifarms. hope this entry was legible.
19.05.21 - i only have two tests left to do before graduation. it's probably just going to be an assembly where teachers go 'awh look at you being at this school for the past 5 years awh' not any of that gown and cap throwing shit that you normally see at graduation type things. i also uploaded a youtube video to my channel, which i probably should link somewhere, but it's 11pm right now and i just don't have the time nor energy. i have phys ed tomorrow, which most likely means i'll see her. not like i don't see her that much anyway, we do talk often which is pretty cool. i am thinking of introducing her to my youtube channel, even though she'll have no idea what i'm playing since no-one i know likes doom, even c***. funnily enough with **** i do tell him some of the especially weird shit that i find on neocities and on the web in general, even though he doesn't know my site domain. a certain incident with a mole has come up in conversation quite a bit...if you know, you know. anyway, i'm going to sleep now as even though i don't have any tests tomorrow, i still want to be somewhat conscious.
17.05.21 - someone i know has gone full "the menendez brothers should be freed i love them" which i find real fuckin funny. even put them on their instagram highlights. and they say romance is dead....they tried to get me to sign some petition to let them out of prison which i didn't do. petitions don't do jack shit, they just have the effect of saying 'pretty please'. i bet in a few days they're going to have a badge or tshirt with one of the brothers face on it, full fangirl. how funny. anyway, i said yesterday that i was doing something on macbeth and hey, i did the test! all i have to say is fuck you lady macbeth you should've jumped off of a cliff sooner so i didn't have to write about your feelings of guilt. thank fuck that's over! some kids in my product design class were blasting some drill music, y'know the type that is synonymous with the type of guys who get arrested at fairs for sneaking 4 knives in. all of it sounded the same. there has got to be better music out there than 'i shanked someone then shagged a girl'. though then again, such lyrical genius could not be matched! that's it for now, if i think of more stuff to write i'll put it down.
16.05.21 - i bought 4 games today. i saw that steam was giving bethesda games a discount so i got wolfenstein 3d (i technically already had it nudge nudge wink wink), return to castle wolfenstein, doom 3 and fallout new vegas ultimate edition (the one with all the dlcs) . gonna have fun playing those over the summer. i have school tomorrow which won't be too bad (hopefully). only got one english test, unfortunately it's on macbeth (or lady macbeth) which i hate but once that one is over i never have to think of anything to do with english ever again! i can finally burn my english books! fuck you english department, i get to escape! i'm counting down the subjects i don't have to give a shit about, currently the only ones i've got down are RE and construction as my tests for them are done! ah well, this time next week it'll all be over and i will only have one more chemistry test next monday then i will fully be rid of all my subjects!
i can hear the rain outside my window and my window has the weakest glass ever so it makes the rain really loud. well i guess that's england for ya. maybe it's just my shitty town. i wish i could leave the town where i live but i can't. really, the only exciting thing that happened here was some girl from my school hanging herself in her garage a few years ago. i guess everyone hates where they live, especially if they're 16. where i live is in the middle of nowhere, england. it sucks. hopefully i'll be able to leave in a couple years, if not i'll write a shitty pop punk song about how i hate my town but still live there.
14.05.21 - i hate overthinking things. so, i was texting her earlier and suddenly she just stopped responding. i didn't talk too much after that because it would be weird of me to send 4+ texts to her when i know she won't respond but it made my mind go haywire. basically thinking "oh maybe she's busy and can't check her phone at the moment" or "oh she finds me annoying and doesn't want to talk to me after this short conversation" which doesn't make any sense because we're (somewhat) friends and we usually talk in class quite a bit as well as the fact that if she didn't want to talk to me she wouldn't have texted me back in the first place! she's probably just busy or can't be bothered to check her phone, it's a friday night after all. huh, that's enough about this shit. anyway, i started watching this show on netflix, the girl from nowhere. saw that some people were talking about it and decided to give it a shot. honestly i kinda liked it because it's dramatic but funny. i'm also probably going to play some shrine and put it on youtube. don't know about that though.
13.05.21 - today has certainly been eventful. i had a chemistry test which went okayyyyy....although the highlight of my day was phys ed. suprising but this is why: so usually i just go with what my 'friends' are doing (three of them are in that class) but today i went and did a different sport because we had a choice of three and guess who was doing the same sport i was? you probably didn't guess correctly but if you did well done. it was her. i haven't talked about her much on here but we're getting to be more friendly and shit which is pretty cool. y'know she laughs at whatever shit joke i have to tell. that's cool. we also share somewhat the same taste in music but i don't think she's into ATR :,(. what's that dylan quote "i hope she likes techno"? something like that anyway. she's into lil peep, tyler the creator and that whole scene which i like too kinda. not as much as KMFDM or NIN but y'know it's something! we also joked around in spanish class about some physics teacher being scared of stairs because they might fall through them. HA! life is good. i have also seperated myself from my 'friends' by not just going along with everything they do, like with the sport thing, when they went off to do rounders (baseball) i thought "no, i'm not just going to follow them, i'm going to do my own shit" and i did and it was good! life lesson folks! that's it for tonight. i sound like a shitty late night host don't i? ha!
11.05.21 - bought tickets to the prom today. i don't even know why i'm going, probably because **** is. i'm really starting to hate my 'friends' (****, ***, *****, ****** and ****) because they really piss me off! for example, today i was going to sit at a table and k**** said 'oh i'm going to sit there'. fine, there were two seats i could sit at one and they could sit at the other. but, as soon as i sat down they moved two tables over. what's up with that?! i know that k**** dislikes me because i got angry at them yesterday for lying to me. y'know the response i got? "oh well i'm sorry that i left you out of this text but i was really fuckin drunk and so didn't have a clue what was going on, ok?". that's not the point you retard! the point is you all told me that the secret groupchats had been disbanded but noooooo they seem to be alive and well! at this point it is just humiliating to be seen with them. i hate them. hopefully next year i can get some friends who aren't dicks. i can only hope.
08.05.21 - i got a haircut yesterday. i no longer look like a greasy gamer guy who you'd want to stay way from. i was also wearing my nirvana shirt which looks like this and i got a couple compliments on it. one from a guy at the hairdressers and another from a guy in cex because i went there after my haircut. i'm hoping to apply there for a job because i know about games and movies and would enjoy it, even if it is retail. might even apply for currys pc world because that job is tech-based and i know they have vacancies. i don't much to write about now but i will probably write more later after i have gone out with ****.
05.05.21 - well my history assessment went great. i ended up leaving halfway through because i was worried about not finishing the test which made me miss more of the test than if i'd stayed there writing. i went to some place where i sat outside a room and waited for about 20 minutes. then my history class walked by after the lesson and i did my best impression of trying to blend in. it is a bit hard when you are the only one sitting down in a corridor. i then managed to sneak into a crowd of year 9s to get to my next lesson without people seeing me. man it really is hard staying invisible! i get to finish the test on friday which won't be too bad. i hope i get decent marks as history is the only subject i do get good marks in and the only one i'm not dropping next month. all the others i don't really give a shit about except the ones that would stop me getting into sixth form. y'know maths and english. also my music teacher tried to get me to do music tech next year. no! i don't see the point in it. i can play music and that doesn't mean i have to learn how to produce it. my goal is to be a game designer, not a music producer.
03.05.21 - i bought gmod yesterday. i haven't played multiplayer yet because my pc is too shit to run multiplayer. better to wait until i get a better one in the summer. i have been playing a ton of sandbox though. all that time playing minecraft alone really does pay off as well as spending 2000+ hours playing sims 4. it is really funny going around with the physics gun and fling some ragdolls across the map. my favourite map at the moment is gm_bigcityimproved but gm_fork is pretty good as well. not to mention all the dumb weapons you can get. moral of the story: gmod is cool. anyway, i can't wait until the summer. i have only 3 weeks left until i am free! man i am going to burn all of my school books that i don't need. one sentence that i didn't think i'd hear a couple days ago was 'oh hey man you want to go to a book burning on the 28th?'. you bet my science book is going to turn to ash. i've got an incinerator in my back garden (it's a metal bin with holes in the lid) so i guess that will do the job!. still gotta do some fuckin exams though. i have 3 tomorrow and that sucks!
30.04.21 - i created a last.fm account about half an hour ago. i'll put it up on my music page. i've been drawing a bit more lately and if i'm not a complete moron you should see the drawings that i did here and here. if i am a complete moron, then hey you'll just see some dead links or words. i think i'm going out with a couple of my 'friends' but i'm not sure if they've cancelled it altogether or are going to do it without me. wouldn't be suprised if they did the latter. probably gonna watch shaun of the dead tomorrow and film some shit for youtube. thank fuck i've only got 18 days of being at that shit school until 3 months of FREEDOM! me and **** are probably going to do airsoft in the summer or do some other cool shit like filming our movie. i know some rich fuck in my year owns an airsoft place so i might as well go check it out. airsoft is cool as fuck so doing it in the summer is ideal!
29.04.21 - *** is really pissing me off lately. they're just so annoying! i bought counter strike a couple days ago and i really like playing it. i don't have much time to play it but when i do it's so fun. i found out today that i only have 19 days left in school, not counting weekends. that means 20 days until graduation. y'know i thought graduation and prom only happened in america but nope apparently i am having both a graduation and a prom. the prom is at the end of june though and graduation will probably be just an assembly where they show photos of everyone from year 7 to now. i hope they don't show my photos, but i'm not that important so i guess they won't. i was also meant to have a whole year group photo yesterday but because it was raining they postponed it. i liked that they did because i looked like shit yesterday. still do. i feel bad for the people that tried, y'know the people who curled their hair or put gel in it hoping to look all cool and slick only for it to be canceled. actually no that's pretty funny. ha! i also FINALLY have the motivation to make a doom map but i have other shit to do before i can do that.
25.04.21 - well here i am, drinking 2 day old coke which is somehow still fizzy. i have a biology test tomorrow which i doubt i'll do well in. i never have done well in the sciences. i think it is almost exactly a month until i can fuck off out of school for 3 months. how great that will be. i've been updating this site a ton too which isn't that suprising as every couple of months i do a complete redo of how my site looks. it's also the year anniversary of me being on tcc twitter. it feels really weird that it's been a year. it's been about 10 months since i started this site as well. i made one a month before this one but it was just because i couldn't code and was trying to learn how to. i haven't updated it in about 8 months though..well it is only a white background with two lines of text so i don't think it matters that much. i also have made about 5 websites in wix (i was 10 and didn't have the mental capacity to learn html) and i managed to find the urls to a couple of the websites i made back then. the ones i found were just for school projects but were still weirdly nostalgic.
22.04.21 - it's nearly the end of the week. fuck yeah. i managed to upload some postal 2 gameplay onto my youtube channel which has done pretty well so far. it's only been an hour so we'll see how it goes. a couple of my 'friends' walked off without me again but oh no it's a one off incident even though this is the 3rd time they've done it. i call bullshit. i have a maths test tomorrow which sucks, as do all maths tests. i think i have the version of dyslexia that goes with maths, i think it's called dyscalculia or something because maths just doesn't make sense! i might film a couple of GTA V videos to put on youtube. that'll occupy the time nicely. i also had p.e today or phys ed. we did dodgeball which meant that i did enough work to not be the last one standing. seriously, when that happens it is so shit because you get your team yelling at you to get the other team out or you get the other team yelling at you. it's a lose/lose situation. i did get a ball thrown at my face and that bitch stung! it mainly got the left side of my face so i was only half in pain. i did get to see her though. see, it's good that people i know don't know about this because then i'd then get questions like "ooh who is she tell me c'mon" which i'm NOT going to. that'll be my secret and mine alone. i do know that **** tried to find this site after i changed the domain name which is pretty funny. but anyway, with her i'm pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way which is annoying but hey what can i do? i'm not gonna force her to like me or anything. that'll just make her not like me. i'm gonna sign off for now.
20.04.21 - well you all know what day it as. if you don't, then i'm not going to explain it to you, find out for yourself! school has started and it is worse than i expected. i found out last night that all my 'friends' made a secret groupchat without me which SUCKS. it's like they don't even care! to *****, ***, *****, ****** and **** FUCK YOU! actually, **** you're alright i don't fully hate you but to all the others i do. i hate your fuckin guts and i only hang out with you fucks so i don't look like a loner bitch. not that there's anything wrong with being a loner. it's the betrayal and deciete that stings the most and also the fact that i won't get an apology from those selfish fucks. really brings my belief in misanthropy to the front of my mind. anyway, i posted some stuff on twitter about today which was about the 13 and e&d. mainly the 13 as on twitter i talk about e&d a lot and it seems fair that for one day i focus on the 13. at the end of the day, i'm not gonna be a dick to dead teenagers for the sake of looking 'edgy'. that's just weird.
18.04.21 - i meant to put something in here yesterday but i forgot. school starts back up tomorrow. at least its only 5 more weeks until the summer holiday so only 5 more weeks of english with my bitch english teacher. at least i get to see all my friends although i have come to the conclusion that they are only really friends with eachother and not me. well i'd rather have a false group of friends than sit alone and look like even more of a weirdo. it's the 22nd anniversary on tuesday so i suppose that's something. i'll certainly see some shit about that on twitter. isn't today the anniversary of when sol pais shot herself? or maybe it was yesterday? i don't even like that bitch so i'm not sure why i care. i had to watch prince philips funeral yesterday because my mum loves the royals or some shit. i don't understand why some people love the royals the way they do. it's the same with celebrity worship. a good example is when that glee actress naya rivera drowned and one of my friends cried for 4 days straight. i get that it's sad but 4 days of crying? to me that is just excessive and weird. but anyway i had to watch the funeral and it was dull as shit. how am i meant to give a shit about an old man who i never knew nor liked? 'oh he's a royal you have to somewhat like him' no i don't! people, man. fuckin people.
12.04.21 - i went out again with ****. i was lucky to find a rammstein magazine which was on their album 'mutter'. great album by the way. i've been playing some tf2 the past few days as well which is ok even though i suck at the game. that's expected as i only bought it two days ago. i also got a ps2 game called crazy taxi which i haven't got to play yet. it looks alright otherwise i wouldn't have bought it. here's something i don't understand though: sometimes i say shit, normal shit that normal people would say, and people laugh at me for it. i'm not sure whether it is the way i say it or what i'm saying, but they still laugh. it's not teasing laughter but i think they view what i say as funny, even though i view it as just normal things that i say. maybe this is just my asbergers kicking in.
09.04.21 - i got to see **** today. that fucker didn't cancel on me, what a suprise! i bought this magazine on horror films which had american werewolf in london on the cover. i think it was a vampire/werewolf special because they were on about both vampires and werewolves. personally, i think that werewolves are better since they're stronger, harder to kill and would easily beat a vampire in a fight. perhaps if the vampire was like one of the ones from from dusk till dawn, but still i think a werewolf would win. it had an article on the evil dead which i really should see sometime. i think i'd like it. when i got back i got told that prince philip died. that guy was a living corpse anyway so it was only a matter of time until he died. the tv schedule was wild though, everything from midday until 6am was a 'bbc special' about his death. how much can you say about one guy? not that much since they kept repeating the same clips every five minutes. i'm also contemplating applying for a job sometime in the summer. i'll have four months off so that'll be a good time to get a job. these entries are getting much longer aren't they? suppose i have more to talk about than usual. huh. i'm gonna stop now.
07.04.21 - **** cancelled on me again. said that he double booked himself when he said that he was sure that he was free. i would be a bit more understanding if this wasn't the gazillionth fuckin time he has cancelled on me. he really doesn't deserve me being this charitable to him. i'm not a complete fuckin pushover and do tell him when he's being a dick but then i get the "i'm such a terrible person i hate myself blah blah blah". i don't care! if you tell me this a thousand times the affect goes away and i start to not believe you. now that rant is over, i can now talk about how i have spent 2 days making a platformer in godot (yes i don't use unity because it crashes my brick of a computer) and it is going suprisingly well! it kinda looks like a mix of ninja gaiden and castlevania (both are hard as shit) with some cool backgrounds attached. this is my first time programming anything except for a pong type game i made in scratch when i was 10. this is getting long so i'm going to stop.
04.04.21 - i've been on a break for about 3 days now and i'm starting to feel better. that's nice. i bought postal 2 yesterday and holy fuck is it fun. i've spent about 8 hours on it so far which isn't too bad. i don't have that much to say here.
31.03.21 - guess i'm mr cutter again. shit has been weird lately. i've been both happy and lonely at the same time. sometimes, i feel good then something just clicks in my mind and all i can think about is ending it all. i don't want to, but i can't help thinking about it. then i just go back to 'normal', whatever normal is anyway. hopefully with this two week break i've got i can clear my head and try and get over this. hopefully.
25.03.21 - i watched taxi driver this evening. it was better than i thought it would be. i've been talking to her a bit more lately. with that, my life is going slightly better. better than it was a few months ago for sure. things could improve though. i feel as though every day is just the same day repeated with the only difference being what food i eat for lunch. i guess that's what over a year in a pandemic gets you. repetition after repetition after repetition. on a lighter note, i designed three doom maps in the last week which i should be able to work on over easter.
20.03.21 - it is very rare that i feel calm with everything but yesterday i did. i was sat in a car in a parking lot and i put on welcome and goodbye by dream ivory and just watched the world go by. it's strange to see other people living their own lives apart from yours. that might just be me though. i keep getting put in support classes at school. by that i mean i get extra help in shit like maths and spanish. ¡qué tontería! that's some spanish for you! it just makes me feel more stupid being in those classes. i get that the point of them is that i get better grades or whatever but no one else i know are doing them! those classes just make you feel isolated from the 'normal' people.
18.03.21 - thank god it's nearly easter holiday. i am so sick and tired of doing the same lessons over and over and over again. i do look forward to a few things there though. i'm also planning on making a new doom wad based on the drugstore scene in natural born killers. that's some good news.
15.03.21 - my mate watched final destination 3 last night finally. he thought it was good. i have been back at school for just over a week and it is getting slightly better. i'm pretty sure i have a crush on a girl in my spanish class. that's cool i guess. not much else to say.
10.03.21 - i hate the feeling of not knowing. not knowing what people think of me, not knowing what will happen tomorrow, not knowing what my future is. i hate the unknown.
09.03.21 - i have been back at school for two days now and it is already boring as fuck. i expected no less. at least i'm seeing my 'friends'. sure they're alright people but i just get the sense that out of the friends i have, i am the odd one out or the one that is least liked. i bought some dvds from CEX yesterday. man i hate the delivery prices that they put on shit. the delivery is £8 more that the shit i'm buying! i have now somewhat got used to the feeling of being invisible around people. it's oddly relaxing knowing that no one will bother you because they don't notice you.
05.03.21 - i had a lateral flow test today. the test itself wasn't too bad, it only took two minutes but i hated waiting to get the test. i was put in a room with a lot of people, some of which i knew. i tried to speak to them or signal 'hi' but it was almost like they didn't want to speak to me or even see me. they were talking to other people who i don't have anything in common with so for a while i just sat alone. i'm not angry about it or resentful but it would have been nice to talk to some people that i know.
03.03.21 - i'm seeing my therapist later. i've been seeing them for almost a year now. i also know for certain that i'm going back to school on the 8th so i have 5 more days of freedom. i have a covid test on friday though at the school. i don't mind that as it has to be done if people want covid to be over. the worst thing that'll come with going back to school is seeing people that i don't like. hopefully most of those people will leave when i go to sixth form but i doubt it. so i'll have to see them for another couple years.......great. i'm also thinking of getting rammstein tickets if and when they come to somewhere near me. if i could go to a rammstein concert then that would be so fuckin cool.
28.02.21 - last day of february. well last hour to be specific. i just feel bored. bored with everything day to day. nothing interests me, nothing excites me. only boredom and some depression. i suppose thats what being a teenager in the 21st century gets you. i see other people living their lives, going out with friends, doing things. and what am i doing? nothing. i watch movies, i play games and that makes me feel somewhat happy, then it's over, and i go back to endless boredom. how poetic.
23.02.21 - every day is the same. time is moving too fast for me to keep up at this point. it seems as though yesterday it was november and now it's february. nearly march. my life is a robotic cycle of eat, work and sleep. i suppose that's the way the world works, training everyone up to be good little workers who don't question anything. the only thing that makes my days different is the film or tv show i watch on that day, or the food that i eat then. i hope it all changes some day because i'm getting bored.
22.02.21 - i have never understood the concept of 'seperating the art from the artist' and the fact that some aren't able to. when a musician gets cancelled (getting cancelled has lost all meaning because it happens every goddamn day) people say "you can't listen to this persons music as they are a bad person". that is bullshit! half the time when someone gets cancelled they haven't done jackshit and with the other half, i'm still going to listen to their music if i like it! cancel culture and the concept of not seperating the art from the artist are both equally stupid. unsuprising that the people who partake in it are mainly people who are oversensitive and got internet access at the age of 2.
21.02.21 - haven't written in here in a bit. one of my friends is completely ghosting me which is pissing me off. i'm trying to make an effort to keep contact with them, but they just don't give one! very annoying. i also have been on school break this past week so that was nice. i start online school again tomorrow which sucks. exams have been cancelled, why the fuck do i still need to go to online lessons? i suppose it's only for a couple more months though until i get to sixth form. still sucks though.
15.02.21 - valentines day happened yesterday. it really wasn't too much of a big deal for me since my love life is nonexistent. sometimes i think about getting a boyfriend/girlfriend but then i remember i'm 16 and so have plenty of time to get one. i do have a crush on someone at my school though. i haven't had a crush since year 6 but shit changes. i'm going to watch lost highway tonight as i don't have anything else to do. hopefully it's good.
12.02.21 - i'm been going on kiwifarms a lot more lately. i've had an account since october but i don't really post too much on it. i just lurk on the various threads. i think i might be going back to school on the 8th march. i'm not looking forward to it. if you know me in real life or online you probably know that i hate school and the vast majority of the people in it. i'm glad that i'm gonna be getting out of there in a couple years. to me, school is just a way to be controlled by people who say they 'have your best interests at heart'. it's bullshit.
09.02.21 - i watched duck! again. it was still good, especially for a shit film. you could say that it is 'so bad it's good' but i don't believe in that as how can something be both awful and brilliant. anyway, i have a sixth form interview tomorrow. it feels weird that i'm going into sixth form in september. i feel old even though i'm not even an adult. i guess that's life. the interview will probably just be 'why are you choosing your subjects' and 'why did you pick this school to stay at'. they're pretty easy questions so it shouldn't be too hard. at least that will bring some variety into my day.
07.02.21 - my life is beginning to feel like the film groundhog day. every day is exactly the same. it's been feeling this way for a month now since lockdown 3 came into place. day in, day out, exactly the same. i sometimes talk to my real life friends but that is rare. i spend most of my time on my computer or on twitter talking to people which makes life feel a bit less monotonous. updating this site makes life feel less 'the same' as well. i'm going to watch duck! again tonight.
04.02.21 - it is currently 11pm. in one of my lessons today i said that i liked a song by mayhem. i bet everyone thought i was a freak, i've been made fun of for my music taste since i was 12 when i was still in my 'emo phase'. i am proud of my music taste but at the same time everytime i say the stuff i like i get made fun of or not listened to. at least in real life anyway. i also learnt when i was 12 that people are scared of difference or 'being different'. typical. most humans are the same anyway but they just can't see it. no wonder they find 'being different' so abnormal if they're all the fuckin same!
03.02.21 - i've been listening to more atari teenage riot lately. loud, fast, TECHNO! eric would be proud. a lot of people probably wouldn't like my music taste as "it's just noise!" or "that doesn't even sound like music!". if you think or say that then you can suck my dick. really! techno and industrial may be less big now but it still is fuckin good. you've got NIN, chemical brothers, ATR, KMFDM, all great bands, especially KMFDM.
29.01.21 - i meant to put something here yesterday but then i forgot. some shit has really been getting me pissed off lately. there's this big news story about reddit buying up a load of stock and making its price go up. not really something to get pissed about? well turns out a lot of stock trading apps are stopping people from buying stock (basically protecting the rich from losing more money). the rich have enough money! so what if they lose a bit of their millions of pounds/dollars! i hate the rich, they're all too snotty and stuck up for their own good. i also hate big corporations but that is an entry for another day.
26.01.21 - well i'm 16 now. thats pretty cool. i've also been playing a lot of doom as i have the time to. i felt like i should update this but i really don't have that much to talk about huh.
22.01.21 - it feels weird that i'm going to turn 16 in less than 2 days. my sweet sixteenth. you see it all the time in movies and on tv. it's typical there that when you're sixteen you get a horse or a car or some other overpriced gift. i know i'm not getting a fuckin car but i don't even have my licence so it would be of no use to me. i remember watching the diay of a wimpy kid movie when i was younger and fuckin loving that scene where the girl has her sweet sixteenth and the brother sings justin beiber to her. weird. though, what can i expect from scripted movies, nothing in them ever happens in real life. well, spending your 16th birthday in a pandemic is certainly memorable. you wouldn't see that in a movie.
20.01.21 - being a social recluse does have its perks. for one, i don't have to deal with the issues of 'normal' teenagers. i don't have to preoccupy myself with my non existent love life or get stressed about what i'm gonna wear to the latest party. i feel as though i should want to be more social as i've been told all my life that living a life similar to ted kazcynzki (minus making bombs) is not the way to live a happy life but honestly, i'd rather live a life of solitude than buy into the mindless capitalism and consumerism of the modern day world but hey, maybe i should take a page out of other peoples books. ignorance is bliss after all.
19.01.21 - i hate that song drivers licence. it's everywhere and it's not even any good. it's just the standard bland pop music that everyone seems to looove. it's like in 2016 when that shit justin timberlake song was on the radio and it was one of the only songs that i got bored by and you know a song is bad when people can get bored by it. no wonder the music industry is going to shit when all they produce is this crap.
13.01.21 - i've somehow commited to updating this site regularly, which is good. i feel like i should make it look better but i don't have the time to do that what with online school and other life stuff. i will try to make my homepage look cool though. it's been the same since june and i think it should change a bit. look out for some changes soon.
12.01.21 - the richard ramirez documentary is coming out tomorrow. nice. i'm getting so bored at the moment. i have nothing to do except work, sleep and eat and that, to me, is a sad existence. i hope the world will go back to 'normal' soon but with the way the world is going i doubt the world will be normal for at least another year or two. the stuff in the us is horrific though. a load of mental republican fucks storming one of the most important buildings in america was not the thing i expected out of 2021. politics is fucked over in america, i would hate to live there.
11.01.21 - online school has started again. that kinda sucks. i also watched a couple films last weekend, those being final destination and duck the carbine massacre. final destination was pretty good, it was a big blockbuster film after all. duck was definitley not a blockbuster film but it was pretty funny the way it parodies certain events.
05.01.21 - 13:25 - i don't like gen z. even though i am a part of gen z, that doesn't mean that i like my generation. some of it is ok like being less prejudiced and being more accepting but honestly, the type of gen z kids on tik tok are fuckin horrible. i hate that new 'alt' phase that every single teenager seems to be having as well. when will they understand that no, dyeing two strands of your hair pink and listening to some shitty hyperpop does not make you emo. it seems like people now just want to say that they're 'alt' so that they can somewhat distinguish themselves from everyone else, which doesn't work as every teenager now is 'alt'.
05.01.21 - happy new year! well i am currently in a national lockdown which is fun. i have also managed to record doom gameplay to put up on youtube.
28.12.20 - can't believe it's gonna be 2021 soon. 2020 has been such a weird year and i'm glad it's almost over. 2020 is probably gonna be the year that is put in history books. weird.
23.12.20 - 2 days before christmas. it is currently 12:56am and i am bored out of my mind. i can't leave my house due to lockdown restrictions. probably due to a fuck ton of people going to parties in my area. god i hate people that go to parties. they're so stupid and selfish to not realise that partying during a global pandemic isn't cool! braindead, that's what i call them. absolutely fuckin braindead.
17.12.20 - finished exams last week. woohoo! downloading old games to put into retroarch to play. god i love emulation.
09.12.20 - almost at the end of exams. pretty cool. i'm feeling better than i did a few days ago, mentally speaking, but obviously i'm still not great. i'm so tired of everything at the moment but i'm sure everything will be fine once exams finish. listened to the entireity of the downward spiral as well. great album. can see why dylan liked it so much.
03.12.20 - i've been thinking a lot lately, especially as sitting in exam halls for hours on end doesn't really give you much choice not to. and y'know with i've come to the conclusion that i don't see why trans people feel so proud about being trans. now don't get me wrong, i'm not saying that being trans is inherently bad as i myself am trans and so that would be monumentally hypocritical of me. but i don't view it as something to be proud about and tell everyone about. being trans is fuckin awful, i'm not gonna lie about that, it's like the seventh level of hell but worse as you are actually going through it. coupled with the riducle from others and the fact that it causes many day-to-day problems, i honestly don't see why being trans is something to be so proud about. but hey, maybe i'm just sleep deprived and my mind is going haywire. idk.
22.11.20 - haven't updated this site in over a week. well i managed to get a ps5 which is very fun to play. the little tech demo game astros playroom is also quite enjoyable, especially for a thing only showcasing what the controller can do. sadly my CATALYST wad got deleted as i fucked it up in XWE and SLADE. i'm planning on making a new one when i go on christmas break which is in just under a month. i've also been playing a lot of doom this past week. especially using the mod brutal doom. thats basically doom 2016 in classic doom. my exams are in just over a week so i probably won't be updating this site as often as i would like. i will still try though.
13.11.20 - friday the 13th. exams are starting in less than 3 weeks. nothing gets me in the christmas spirit like doing a week of exams! they won't be too bad though, since my 'learning accomodations' make it so i don't have to sit in an exam hall. i've been editing a lot more. i'm getting better at it. i might even make a youtube channel to showcase shit. if so i'll put it on my links page. i did have a youtube channel but it got suspended out of nowhere. i have about 6+ youtube accounts so it's all good. i also started listening to molchat doma and chemical brothers. don't have that much to write about here so i guess it's goodnight.
03.11.20 - y'know what i HATE? people who get in the way of EVERYTHING. say if some group of fuckers are standing RIGHT IN THE GODDAMN MIDDLE of a fuckin corridor and i'm trying to get through. can't you fuckers just MOVE?! i also hate motherfuckers who don't have the mental capacity to SHUT THE FUCK UP! i don't give two shits about your conversations. JUST SHUT UP!
31.10.20 - happy halloween! i FINALLY sorted out all my games and got them all in one place. my CATALYST wad is still under construction. doom wads take a helluva lot of time to make. ive been spending most of my time either editing, playing wolf3d or watching films. i watched psycho the other day. it looks shit since it was made in 1960 but it's a good film anyway. also watched elephant if anyone knows what that is. thinking of booting up templeOS today. gonna watch horror films later cos guess what motherfuckers? it's halloween!
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23.10.20 - i FINALLY have an idea for what my CATALYST wad is gonna look like. pretty exciting if you ask me. i have the time to do it now, with me being in self isolation.
19.10.20 - today has been exactly the same as my other days. my daily routine is get up, go to school, come home, watch tv/play videogames, eat dinner, watch some more tv, sit in my room on my ipad until whenever im too tired to see the screen, then sleep. how exciting. at least it's half term in a few days. im mainly just tired of the people around me and what they think. they live sad little lives but im not that much better. we're all born to work and die and thats the way of life as it has been since humanity came about. the people i know in real life are so dull though. they say that they're so revolutionary and will change the world someday. ha! id like to see that come into action. at least it brings me a little happiness knowing how wrong they are.
13.10.20 - if i'm being honest, today hasn't been the best day. watched nbk again, looked up some shit for the PS5, nothing too special. anyway, like i said before i wiped this page, i'm going to completely change my site to distract myself from my hellscape of a life. might delete a few pages, might add some, i don't know! its my site and i can do whatever the hell i want with it!